I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
