I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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