the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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