I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so let's talk penis.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How's work?
Spinning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
