I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
