If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
