I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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