I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
