You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
True strength comes from lack of pants
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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