Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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