dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
