Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Randomize
