After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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