Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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