So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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