I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
