After last night, I could never be a politician.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
