I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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