I wish my penis had an off switch
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
