we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
