.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
