I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
