Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
