Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
