So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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