OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
