I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
