doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
