I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
