the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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