If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
