when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
