I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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