break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
