If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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