well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
