How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
