So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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