i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
