he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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