Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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