fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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