when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
