Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
