Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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