Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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