I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
