i wish my penis had a tongue
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
