I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
