she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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