Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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