well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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